Furniture was knocked over in the living room; a small bookcase. A tall lamp was knocked over and broken. His glasses were under the couch. They had to call his phone to find it. Somehow he had made it to his bedroom. There was vomit everywhere. He was on his back. It seems he went unconscious and aspirated on his vomit. His friend started screaming when he found him. He had a friend go in with him because he had a bad feeling when the phone AND knocking on the door brought no results.
But there is no one else to take my place. Four years ago today I lost my oldest child. My son, 31 years old. I am blessed to have 3 other children who I love deeply. They have supported me in my grief until this past year. They are tired of my sadness, they are tired of me weeping, they want their mom back. Is that wrong?
I need my children. How do I get them back? How am I going to be the same when I am no longer whole? Please help me. Hey, its perfectly normal what you are going through and the reaction you are receiving is normal too. I am a son who today marks 5th anniversary my mother, she slept and never woke up , it took me 3 years to feel normal again, I was not able to let go of her and the pain resulted in a heart attack in the first 3 months, meds were not helping as I was grieving.
Finally I remembered her words to me that I have to take care of the family and the only way I could do this was by healing. The one and only thing that helped me was to stop thinking about living without her. My entire life revolved around her and even today when I think of her and what am i doing here without her in my life my heart aches literally as though I will have another attack, i had to fulfill her wish and continue to live for the rest of the family.
In next 14 months I lost my father. I shared this with you as I can feel your pain as a mother, and I would request you to just try focusing on the loved ones around and with you, they need you. The more you detach yourself, the more you will be lonely, no one will understand the depth of your pain. Everyone has their own way and time to heal, some take days, some weeks, some months and people like me years. Whenever you think of your son, think that he is working in another country and he is happy, coz he is seeing you in so much pain and believe me it will hurt him more to be the reason for this pain.
So please change way you think and keep moving ahead slowly slowly everything will fall in place. Today around in the morning my mom passed away. With no sleep these past 4 days and no break from staying with my mom plus it being just 6 days from being told she had cancer up to her death this morning, I never had a chance or any time to get past my initial shock of hearing the news of her test results.
I realize its been only hours since her passing so my grief is still fresh but I wanted to reply to your comment because like you my mom was a part of my daily life. She was my closest confident and I was also her carer. So basically my job involved her and my social circle involved her along with her being my mom. Reading about your own painful journey of grief in the loss of your mom really touched me as well as the similarities we both share did help ease a bit of my agony.
With only roughly 6 hours of sleep in the past 4 days and only hours since her passing, my grief is still fresh but I wanted to reply to your comment because like you my mom was a part of my daily life. Find a counselor to talk to. If you are single, then you need someone to share your feelings with. Sorry about your loose. I have lost my nephew Anthony at the age of 21 years old. These was a sign of God to take away his pain as he has suffered many years of a disease that nobody can figure out on their own terms.
I pray for my brother that has lost his precious son to the heavens and gates of God. There is nothing we can do but cherish the memories in our hearts and forgive one another smile and enjoy the life we have on earth. My sweet nephew has become an angel of God may he Rest In Peace and give my brother the strength to carry on. Grief fills the room up of my absent child, Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me, Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words, Remembers me of all his gracious parts, Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;.
Calories give rise to energy but excessive level of calories appears into fats. The results were run out skin and mental fuzziness and lastly cravings for fatty foods. The best protine sames include the lean ones — egg whites, lean meat, turkey, chicken, and fish. Would it mean gaining or reducing your weight and after that being more active, physically or socially.
The results were dried out skin and mental fuzziness as well as cravings for fatty foods. I read so many comments here about difficulty moving on from a death and it pains my heart. We live life as if death will never come near us, the only sure thing to come in life. I wrote this family book in hopes to ease this painful fear. We all know that all life comes to an end. Losing a loved one should not be a devastating experience! The hardest part is that we will miss them, but in time. That fact alone , is enough to carry one through any grief that one could experience.
The bond of love will bring us together again! Animals have souls too and they are also capable of love. Today I lost my mom to cancer and only 6 days ago we first found out she actually had cancer. We were best friends and I was her carer so she has been a major part of my daily life. I am devastated and still in shock by the fact she had stage 4 cancer let alone her death today after only 6 days. I came back to my apartment and the reality set in and completely overwhelmed me.
When I awoke 2 hours later he was lying on my chest with again his face next to mine. Animals have souls too just like humans. Today my mom died of cancer. We only found out she had cancer 6 days ago. I am still in shock and overwhelmed and consumed by grief. My mom was my best friend and I was her carer so most days were spent with my mom whether working for her or hanging out with her. Its been a long time since I cried that hard and long. Then he curled up beside my head and put his face next to mine while I continued to cry myself to sleep.
When I awoke 2 hours later I found him lying on my chest with his face to mine looking at me and he began purring once he saw me open my eyes to wake up. My son died almost 4 years ago. I feel gutted and list inthe workd. I am on meds. I pray, walk, I have close friends and a living husband. Nothing touches the pain. I am lost in the world without my son. It seems so empty. He was my firstborn child. I felt him move inside me. I nursed him for a year.
He is gone. I hate to have people ask me how I am. I will not be OK again. I will not kill myself, but each day I go through is a day without my son and it feels pointless. Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss of your precious son. When my husband died 3 years ago I found a grief group that has helped me more than I could ever say. Some places even have specific groups for the loss of a child. I have found that no one can understand your grief like someone else who has been through it. Wishing you comfort and love. I just saw this comment. I lost my best friend a few years ago and just lost my cousin this week to suicide.
They were not my children. I can not even start to understand your pain. I am a mother and these things just touch me in a different way because of that. You are so strong and it may seem pointless but you are strength for someone…I know it. I lost my dad last year in May. It was such a shock!
I realised now that I was so strongly connected to him and he was my source and center. I feel lost now and without energy. Before I was able to live and work and survive but now I feel alone without strength. I realise that I got so much from him even the will to live and a purpose. Never understood his value until he was gone.
He was a great man. He was a preacher, writer, sportsman, finance advisor and so much more. He looked well after us 4 children. Now I have 4 children of my own. Now I must face life without his support and strength. It is difficult without him and I still grieve especially these days coming into the new year. At times I feel like joining him and find no reason to go on.
But I am still here and holding on. Thanks for your words of comfort. Sorry for your loss of your father. Our Relationship was rocking the last year. But I am Thankful I got to talk to her one last time b4 she died!! Praying I can find a Grieving Counselor soon, to tell with all these emotions!!!
Jesus Help Me!!!!! She laid in a coma for 4 days but thank the lord I still have her and she is doing fine now but two weeks to the day she went into her coma my father my hero went into his own coma and died a few days later. The four days my daughter slept my daddy sat with me all night each night I was at the hospital. I have been in a dark place since this all happened then 6 months later my niece also she was my best friend my sister and daughter all in one at 30 years old with a set of twins in her belly fell out and died out of nowhere its like how can this all happen in one year 6 months to be exact..
But my heart is so torn apart I feel like its giving up.. He did a wonderful job taken care of his mother and mentally challenged sister. With all his injuries and knee not healed because of no family member cared to help. Those people will have to live w the fact that they stood aside or stood in the way… the injured and loving son gets to live knowing he gave his all.
Knowing you gave your best is a blessing beyond comparison. The son is a blessing and blessed. Now as im growing up to become a woman it hurts more than what i felt when i was growing up because she will never get the chance to see her grandchildren. The pain is just too much to handle to the extent that i wish i could have been the one in her place. She might have passed away along time ago but my heart will never heal from that because everyday feels like her death happened a few hours ago.
I will always love my mother. Thank you so much for this page its makes our burdens lighter. I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my mom it was earlier today and I am in shock and consumed by grief. She died in my arms this morning just 6 days after we first were told by the doctor she had stage 4 cancer. All i feel like doing is dying too so I can join her. It is almost night now and my feelings are the same. Just the thought of having to face another day and try to continue to work so I can have a roof over my head fills me with fear and dread.
At present I am out of wet cat food for my 2 kitties and the thought of just a simple short walk to the grocery store also fills me with dread. I must sound so silly but it is the truth. I have no desire to live another day let alone go to the store.
You are here
My son graduates from community college tomorrow and I will need to force myself to get it together and hide my despair and find the strength to put on a brave face so I can make it thru the ceremony. My mom has a big dark colored fish that is over 20 years old and she loved her pet fish so it is important to me that I take very good care of her dear pet in her place. Life truly is stranger than fiction. I truly worry I will have a mental breakdown if all that I am feeling does not get better. Sorry for the long rant as I initially wanted to just say how much I relate to what you typed about how you are feeling.
No need to show your stupidity…. My Dad died at 69…and no one had any more grief than I did. Just let people express their empathy…. Thank you for these quotes and the comments from others who are going through grief. I lost my Husband on Feb. We were in an airport in Mexico ready to board our plane home when he said he felt dizzy and was going to faint. Those are the last words he spoke to me …he passed away in the emergency room. So unexpected, so devastating, so far from family. It has been almost 9 months and now I can finally say his name without crying, but there is a part of me that is gone and will never be the same.
I am moving through what is left of my life trying to find purpose and hoping to once again feel joy. I am lonely , I miss having him by my side, enjoying our life together. We had so many plans, places we were going to see, looking forward to having time together just the 2 of us…but now I must move forward alone. PJ, I lost my husband 6 and half years ago on July 16, in the same manner. Fortunately, I was not out of the country but in ND, I am originally from Florida, we were moving to his home state. I still cry and grieve for him.
He was everything to me, my life, my dreams…life is definitely not the same. But hold on love, there are good times to be had, I have my children and grandchildren and they help so much. I think it is amazing that the baby, now 7 remembers his papaw and often tells me that he misses him. He was only two at the time his papaw passed away. Sometimes we just sit for a moment in the rocking chair and hug and remember a man that meant so much to so many.
I will not tell you that the grief ever completely goes away, but I will tell you that after awhile you begin to see the good in things again and life goes on, and eventually you find happiness and special moments again. I keep my husband near me, in my heart at all times and I know that as long as I remember him, he is with me. One day we will be together again and I know that he is waiting for me, his last words to me were I love you see you tonight, tonight never came he died while at work from a heart attack, but I know that he loved me and he knew that I loved him, take comfort in knowing that your hopes and dreams are still with him and that he will forever be in your heart.
Best to you, I pray for peace and blessings for you. May God comfort you. It breaks your heart and soul. Leaving you questioning everything that is on earth. Questioning even the life you have. It is really painful cause it breaks you from within. Hold it close, Hold it Dear. Smile at a newly budding rose.. My Princess.. My mom died May 6th of this year. We never had a good relationship, but we had so many problems.
My mom never hugged me, never said hello, never liked me as her own. I was never a bad girl, just longed for the love from her. But I still longed for a hug. I never got it. Not even at Thanksgiving or Christmas. I never got a Happy Birthday from her The past 5 years. She never wanted us 3 girls, never wanted a relationship with us.
Her death has left such a big hole in my heart. We never did. Her last phone message to me was horrible, and unbelievable. I just read your comment about your mother. I swear to God I thought you were talking about me and my two sisters. We lived the life you are speaking of and sadly we do not speak to each other at all. It is so sad to think a life passed and so much hurt and regret and endless questions still exist. My sisters name is Jodi. I really think this is about us. God bless you. He was only He fought so hard for 2 years, he loved his life, our cats and he loved me.
I would give anything to see him walk through that door again. I miss him terribly. My husband was Survived 22 months, it was ahead will and lots of work but he lost his life July 17, I lost my husband on February 12, to pancreatic and liver cancer. He was He was diagnosed and died 35 days later. We were married for 10 years and I miss him more and more everyday.
Our home is not the same without him. I will always love him and will keep the memories close to my heart. I hope this pain get easier but right now I feel if I lost a part of my heart,I love you randy. One of my best friends died Monday night July 31, We had been in a relationship for 15 years, but had not seen or talked to each other for almost a year, because of a falling out. I have to tell you that I have never experienced the type of absolute overwhelming grief like I did yesterday when I found out that he had died.
When we would have a disagreement…. This is going to be one of the hardest things in my life to come to terms with. I am 42 lost my husband in a tragic accidentwhen I was 29…my daughter was 9months. I look and her and I crack all over again. I feel she was robbed of a loving father, of growing up in a nirmal happy family. I had to be brave and find a job so that we cld survive. Nothing makes me happyanymore. My son was murdered one month ago today.
He was an attorney and was murdered by the ex-husband of a client that he represented in a divorce. It was senseless, almost random. The killer then committed suicide and left his own two small children without a father. My son was married but did not have children. He was a good man, a good husband to his wife, a good son to his mother and a good brother to his younger brother.
I am proud of the man he had become. At his funeral, all the other attorneys and judges said what a kind, gentle man he was. So why was he killed? I keep thinking that it was all a mistake or a nightmare and that he is alive and well. Then I realize that I am just thinking crazy and I fall apart all over again. Should you study? Will it make you happy?
Take 10 mins, quiet your mind and listen to your own body answer these questions. I wish you all the best. My mother-in-law died tragically 4 months ago and everyday seems to get worse. She had been going to the hospital to see and take care of her mom so much — who had just had a heart attack and then a blockage. She went home to shower. I will always remember her last text to me that day while I was in class. I said I was leaving school soon and we would see her at the hospital.
I called and texted as I was leaving…nothing…. A fire started in her home while she was in the shower and had no idea. I have nightmares of her trying to make it out like she did. The firefighters found her right inside the front door when they broke in the door. How scared she must have been. Why would this happen to her?
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She deserved the world. She was revived 5 times from her home and to the time she died in the hospital 5 hours later. My M-I-L and I were very close. So close. She was the person who could say the littlest thing to make me feel better about whatever redic thing it could have been. She has been in my life- was in my life — my whole life, basically. I feel so lost as she was who I could talk to about my husband. We have been thru a lot. He was injured while in the military and she really helped us deal and get thru the days. His mom was who he felt he had left. I go and hide to cry.
The first couple months- I did anything to keep busy and I handled all of her final arrangements. I wanted to do it. Now that they are in school all day- I started from scratch and went back to school to get my pre-reqs. My mother-in-law was my biggest fan, biggest supporter of this. She knew what it felt like to want that and not be able to. How can I do all of that and try to get thru each day without her.
Thank you for sharing. Missing my husband. Now I am lost and lonely. It feels like I will never know happiness again. My son 7 Just keep asking questions and sometimes feeling down.. I have a hole in my soul over the loss of my mom, but I want her memory to be actively moving me toward filling holes that I can fill. Five years back my best friend my soulmate for 25 years her thirty two year old son was killed crossing a road.
My children and her children were always together. My children will never fully recover from this loss. I had never known sadness like this. What really has helped my friend and me to cope with his tragic death is that she has reached out to so many other children in need. By helping children of fathers who have committed suicide, we have found a purpose to lift them up by sponsoring for their education. I am a hospice nurse caring for people at the end of their life cycle giving support , caring. You would think I would be better equipped with coping, but not so. I am living for Him and my God.
God will never leave me nor forsake me. It is well with my soul. Whenever your dear is in the serious level of cancer or hearth attack and doctors has dishoped her this maybe ignite a little hop in you search and read about cryonics plz for your dear put this massage in anywhere helpful or if you wanna comprise with die watch the wonder of the universe documentary serials. I nursed my husband for ten years with vascular dementia. I am so sorry. Sending love. I have PTSD from the loss of the love of my life 20 years ago- we were so young-I blame myself for not going with him that day.
He was a great fisherman, he was very well known in Pinellas County Fl, Bahamas, Dry Tortugus and private islands owned by the rich and famous. I was by his side as much as I could handle it but it was a Sunday we had been in car n boat accidents and was always blessed he was going with the owner and an eye doctor plus they had nitrox. I loved the family he worked for , they treated me like family. That is where I was waiting for them to come back from a dive trip. Bad feelings started coming which happened to be the approx time my husband was left down on the 3rd dive in the middle grounds-just cuz they wanted him to get a large hogfin — duh the owner of the boat and the doc did the 3rd deep dive with nitrox- needless to say my husband blew a cerebral and pulmonary embolism.
He beat them to the top.
I was told I was still part of the family. I really needed them for closure. Instead they spent 3 mill on a guest house and begged me to take a couple hundred thousand for his life. I was a kid-stuck in a private room alone with the owner crying his eyes out being told I would still be part of the family and they would help me when I needed. Then I made it a year and met someone that reminded me of my love-I met him at a psychiatrists office. We both thought we were not patients. I got married lost what widows benefits I had-and now have a permanent injunction that he is not allowed near me, obviously still not in my right mind I was diagnosed with a muscle disease and was told I would be lucky to make it to Next the temporary marriage created a wonderful sis in law of 12 years and she helped me so much mentally.
I will always love her and never thought I would lose her too. We were both experiencing the same medical problems and both diagnosed with cancer within 2 days of each other. I begged her not to get treatment 13 years of nurse-I see strong positive minds make it longer and more comfortable Being very religious and having a spouse and 3 children- they scared her they told her she would only make it 3 months without 5 with. Lots of prayers-she made it one year and the worst year I have ever seen anyone go through chemo. At one point they said things had stopped growing so instead of waiting- they tell her its best to go on very strong caustic chemo to make sure it stays gone.
I did get to see her one last time, unlike my husband. She looked so peaceful as she must have known it was finally going to be done. I touched her beautiful face-to my surprise-she opened her eyes and smiled like I remember seeing her. She was taken to a better place at 10 pm that night.
God bless u all. O Jody I read your life story and it absolutely broke my heart. My prayers are with you. May the Lord fill u with his peace and may u find comfort in his rest. I lost my big brother 5 Oct I am forever changed. Each day I live is one day closer to him. The worst are the dreams that his alive. This is one of my favorite. I have just lost the love of my life five days ago… He was on his way home from work when a drunk driver hit him head on causing the airbag to deploy and than setting the car on fire. I am so lost and want to be where he is.
I cry all day and the quietness of the house is unbearable. I miss everything about him. His smell, his smile, his voice,his touch…. I miss him holding me tight which always led to our love making more memories. The day he died is the day my heart was ripped out of my chest.
Lisa, you are not alone. I lost my husband in a mountain accident 3 years ago. They will come back. Second piece of advice is to take great care of you, get counseling, whatever it helps for you to cry and let the pain and feelings out. The WYG website and resources helped me a lot, especially the podcasts.
Hello Lisa, I am so sorry for your loss and my heart truly breaks for you. He was sick for a 6 years with horrid multiple myeloma but had been ok until just recently. I had to take him to the ER with what I thought was pneumonia and he never left. I am so alone in my house that is no longer a Home and I cry all day. I am sending you a hug and wish I could do more to take away the pain. Nights and mornings are unbearable.
My wonderful twin brother passed away 9 months ago having lost his life to alcoholism. The overwhelming sense of grief is surpassed by the intense sadness I feel about his unhappy life. I lost a good friend to alcoholism a year and a half ago, since that day I have seen his family come undone. This family use to be very close, but I am afraid they will never be the same. I am a volunteer at a bereavement center where I help facilitators with group therapy.
My friends family have refused to get any kind of therapy but I truly believe they would benefit from reaching out. If you have never tried group therapy I strongly suggest that you give it a try. You have a long road ahead of you but try to remember your not alone. Good luck on your journey Kay. I feel your pain. I lost my brother to alcoholism a year ago. Its a hard one to cope with but things will ease, be gentle on yourself and realise that these things take time. I am sending you a big hug as I know what you are going through xx.
I lost my husband just 2 weeks ago. He died suddenly. I found him at the bottom of the stairs. Sadly,he was an alcoholic. I have a book now in making which requires me to sample ideas of scholars like you. Please could you help me with practical life experience about the tragic errors which have made you to abandon your faith for a while and their possible solutions.
Every idea made will be documented for rebuilding our spiritual lives. I could get thru one of the other was here to support me, but losing both has ripped my heart out. The quotes on here have helped me many times. I will never, ever get over this hurt and feeling of loss, but in time I will learn to live with it, and maybe even smile again. Oh Melissa, your story resonates so with me, but the other way around. I lost my beautiful husband of 21 years at 48 in Feb suddenly and unexpectedly and then my Dad 10 weeks later.
I was reeling from one, and then the other and there have been so many times when I have wished for just one more day. I am having a cryey day today and its days like this that I find this website so good in helping me to sort out and articulate the mess of my internal emotions and irrational thoughts. I am so lost and facing a future stolen without my husband, but there are good days — the kids and my dogs provide most of these — they make me smile.
So I stick with them. Someone said to me in the early days to find something that makes you smile and stick with that until you are ready for the next thing. Its ok for the steps to be small. At the time I thought it was complete bollocks, but as the months have gone by it has turned out to be true. Take care. My husband passed away on January 18, and then my Mom passed away on January 23, It has been a difficult journey.
I was married for almost 39 years. It is rough when you need and want your Mom and she is not there. It seems that you take a step forward but then two steps backwards. The loneliness at times is unbearable. I know I have to push forward but it is hard. My memories are what keeps me going. My condolence would never fill the gap occurred in your life. However, those whom we love and want so much to live by my side always can never be lost because they use to live in our hearts and they can never be separated from us until we loss ourself!
This makes a lot of sense. The marathon talks, the vitriol, the snide remarks I make about the OW, the storming and venting—it takes a toll and feels like a setback. Sometimes I find that we just need to change gears. Sit down and watch one of our favorite shows together, work on a puzzle with our daughter, ANYTHING to get away from the heavy conversations about the affair. At this point, between marriage counseling and our individual counseling, we have explored the affair and why it happened.
I really like what you said about the inner child. This really resonates. But there are no shortcuts. I can already see that I will emerge from this process with a different set of emotional tools, as will H. In those moments, I can see how the marriage could actually be stronger because we have both used the opportunity to grow and learn both individually and as a couple. Thanks again for a great post. I know I will return to this many times as a reminder that this is all part of the journey. I can tell you that I really was hoping my wife and I had turned a corner after one year only to find that she still felt she had work to do before really committing to us.
As recently as August 20 months post DDay my frustration was so overwhelming that I thought for sure we had reached the end. But we kept talking, kept being honest. The sad truth is that we, the betrayed, are the ones who have to force the issue, to fight for the marriage, to make the sacrifices and swallow our pride.
If our spouses were strong enough to do that they might not have strayed in the first place. Either you join me in this fight or you move on. I tried ultimatums with my wife, pleading with her, reasoning, but in the end I feel it was when I kind of gave up that she began coming around. They will do what they will do and the only control we have is in how we choose our response to that.
I will tell you that 3 months is a short time for both of you to expect serious changes in behavior. Patience is key here and he hopefully will come around. Everyone will tell you that this is the time to work on you. I will add that I hope you never again stand for abuse of any kind.
This is a really great post, D. I really like the insights shared and the advice given in the comments. It is great to hear from some farther out, as it gives me a lot of hope that we can be in a better place. Thanks for all the comments, and Anne, I really liked all your questions, because those are things I am dealing with as well.
I just had a marathon discussion…which started off horribly, but ended good. I am hopeful which was better than the past few days of despair, grief, and anger. D- thanks so much for your response, this group is so wonderful and gives me comfort that I am not alone, or hiding in the shadows, trying to blend in and act like everything is fine!! I wanted you to know that something in your response really got to me…..
Essay on Grief
Thanks again!! I suddenly have developed total apathy! I am basically walking around like a puppet, void of any emotion, good or bad. We are working on rebuilding and have made a committment to each other to try, but all we have is very basic, general conversation and performing necessary tasks together.
Has anyone else gone through this, what does it mean? I feel guilty, because I do think I want it to work and maybe this behavior is damaging to the rebuilding process. Be patient. Pace yourself. Marathon…Great analogy! What if your husband is not willing to talk about the affair?
What if he is stonewalling, and then gets angry and defensive if you try to break through? How do you deal with the ongoing lies — about just about everything. I have been assured its over but she is studying and its the 3 month summer break now, so I guess its only over because she is has physically gone away. I get different answers — or no answers- every time I ask the same questions? He is constantly lying and then lies again to cover himself. I have found stashes of cash — hidden from me- stashes of porn, stashes of packets of viagra — we never ever needed to use that!
He lies about the frequency of seeing her,even the length of the affair. How do you turn off the mind movies in your head and how do you hold it together for kids, family and friends over Christmas. I feel like a wild animal in a tiny cage. I just want him to be honest, talk to me, soothe my anxiety and help me make sense of it and help me feel safer and better. I so want to trust him but he says I am doing the opposite and always trying to catch him out. I tried stepping back, putting on a normal face and being loving. I reach out to him, I initiate all our emotional and physical connections but he takes sleeping pills to ensure he can avoid me.
I am desperate. I just want him to put his arms around me and say its going to be ok. I want him to understand the stages of healing and to be patient and kind to me but instead I feel like I am doing the penance for his crime. The nights are the worse because I cant sleep, I just obsess about every details and read non stop about healing from affairs. I dont know but I think apathy which I feel even now after 16 months is a form of protecting ourselves from further pain.
It is completely normal…go easy on yourself. It truely is a marathon and you either end up saying enough or you move on with it. I am convinced however that this underlying pain is here to stay forever. Its always just below the surface and I am questioning if I want more then this for myself. I wonder how these phases play into my situation. However, I discovered that the affair had continued. Almost monthly I would discover the affair had continued foll.
I think I hit all these everday for the last two weeks. I know it will get better and it has, it is just a matter of time and her earning my trust back! She knows this is going to be an uphill battle but I am grateful that she recognizes this, we both do. First I want to start by saying thank you, you guys have been such a great blessing and help for me.
Please help. I read this article because it was about grief, which I feel like I am going through right now, a mere 8 days beyond D-Day. However unlike the grief I went through when my mom died, this is one I cannot share with my friends and coworkers. I can not take a week off work, or even a day to deal with it. And of course, the person who otherwise would be my comfort during a time of mourning is the one who caused it.
It is killing me. Luckily I was able to start therapy this week- for me- to help me learn how to cope and what I want to do next. Oh Cal, I remember how truly hard the first days are after discovery. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thanks so much for writing this. I really needed the validation. Had a tiny hint of suspicion in the past, but always thought it was due to my truly suspicious nature after my first marriage of 20 disastrous yrs. I had to have photos to prove it to myself with the 1st husb. That would actually make it easier this time. Cheaters lie so well.
But I know… I know. Blessings to all……. I just found out about a series of affairs my wife of 23 years has been having over the past 12 months. She has admitted to me that she has slept with 5 different men. It has shaken me so hard that I have fallen down and then the tsunami swept me away, but I am somehow still alive amidst the devastation of what once was a storybook marriage.
Five different men? And you are sure she has taken every precaution? Or, are you willing to risk your health? So sorry for your terrible revelation. If you somehow find the ability to forgive your W and eventually find yourself in a healty and happy marriage, by all means document the process and offer for a modest fee to share it with others. You may find yourself wealthier than you ever imagined. She has taken no precaution. I was stil making love to her during her affairs, not knowing she was seeing other men. What else can go wrong.
To top it all off, last Monday I got laid off from my job after almost 3 years. This has been some hell on earth for me. I have been rocked to my core. It would be a blessing right about now, but I know I cannot give up. Those were just thoughts. Reality is I have a Son and a family to live for should it all fall apart any further.
If there is any solice within this, that has to be it. I feel like I have a ton of bricks on my chest sometimes.
I got ativan from my Dr. I will not get hooked. He only gave me like 20 tabs. I am exercising and looking for work again. Just keep me in your prayers because although I was doing great spiritually prior to this, I am now kind of waivering in my spiritual walk.
Sorry God. Dear Brokenhearted: You got it.. I do understand that wanting to die thing. Been in your shoes. The exercise is a good step. Thank you for caring. Broken hearted…I am so sorry you find yourself in the club of betrayed spouses. We all know how much you are hurting but you do have alot to live for. Number one is your son who never asked to be mixed up in all of this selfishness caused by your wife. Hating God is a normal response sometimes when we question why a loving God would let us hurt so much. I am sure he understands. I am so sorry about your job as well…just seems like alot all at once.
The good news is that if you want to save your marriage it seems your wife has woke up from her cheating. Just take one day at a time right now and I am glad to hear you are taking care of your health…thats a hard thing to do when we just want to give up. I know money is probably tight right now but you can read alot on the internet and this forum that will help you in your journey ahead to healing.
You and your wife have alot of work to do.
Understanding your emotional response to a breakup can help you feel less alone.
As much as I have no respect for cheaters that would include my husband I have to say it took guts for your wife to expose her cheating to the family. Most dont. Remember it wasnt your fault…you did the right thing and remained faithful and true to your marriage vows. You have to talk and talk some more. You wife has to answer every question you want answered for as long and as many times as you need it.
She must be totally transparent…passwords to all social network sites, emails cell phones. Dont give up on yourself…. I know you cant see it now but many here have been where you are and have come out on the other side with a stronger marriage. Take care. Wow… You are an amazing person.
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. It really helps. May God bless you in a thousand ways. Dear brokenhearted, I truly understand your anguish. I am 2 months post DDay. I have entered the different levels of anguish and despair. I to have questioned the Almighty many times. My Faith has helped me become more stronger and confident within myself. There are people in this life that understand my pain.
Hopefully we will recover from this grief and lead more productive and enjoyable life. Atleast we can move on within ourselves. We have that freedom. Those who made the dreaded choice to betray their covenant partners will be forever carrying a heavy chain around their hearts. We should not only pray for our recovery but also for the recovery of our mates. I am married to my spouse for 25 years. Anyway, like Dwayne said previously, we have to start a new day, a fresh start.
I know its hard to forget the 25 years of devotion and dedication you poured into papa but its time to forget all that and begin fresh. What can i loose anyway at this point? I must create a new one. Hello Emi. We are married for 22 years Yes! It definitely ruined my self-worth and self-confidence. We tried marriage counselings and are struggling to keep it secret from our 2 precious sons and our parents because we want to work it out ourselves. But what can I do? It will be greatly appreciated. Dear Rose, how are you doing now… a few more months down the road?
I think … since it is pretty much universal… it is normal for us to be experiencing these emotions. Some i know take 10 years to find a new normal. I dont like that idea… i already wasted But like it or not , healing comes slowly. We cant ignore it and hope it will go away. Heck yeah we need to talk about it all the time— it was life shattering trauma. It destroyed everything we believed in, hope in, lived for except our faith- and even that was shaken.
Some betrayed spouses actually have ptsd. D-Day has been 1year and 2 months already and although I am stronger than I was a few months ago, I still cry a lot. I wonder sometime, why did my H do this act of violence against me and the children…and I get no reply…I have only been loyal, faithful, dedicated and a devoted wife and mother to him and the children…. He wants to stay with me. Some logic!!! I am so devestated, the first week was like pure hell, I feel like he threw me and our family away.
We agreed we dont want anyone to find out and to protect our children from this so I have no one to talk to. He tells me its over and that he loves me and will do anything to make our marriage work out. He seems exasperated that I need to discuss the afair all the time and that I want to know why it happened. He should be able to deal with anything want to ask right now. Pretty lame, if you ask me. It happened. And you are grown-ups. He will have to be a man and own up to his transgressions.
You have every right to feel devalued. What a jerk. Sad but true, I would tell him to belly up to the bar and Man Up! Seriously, two weeks and he thinks it should all be behind you?? I dont think so…. Great advice from Broken2 and csb. All advice is good but is sometimes helpful for others but not for you and your H. Strongly suggest you get the same both jointly with your H and some separate sessions with the same counselor for both of you.
Instead, concede that his reactions are normal but, unfortunately, are not helping what you guys are hopefully trying to accomplish which is to get past the affair and to establish a marriage that you are both happy in and wholeheartedly want to stay in. God bless you for what you have ahead of you but have faith that there is realistic hope for healing, forgiveness and future happiness notwithstanding the occurrence of the apparent affair.
I just read your post but I remember the feeling of hanging on by a thread and I wanted to get back to you tonight. First off I am 25 months post dday, 32 years married, my husband had an affair with a coworker. Right now you have only just begun the process of saving your marriage and it sounds like your husband is remorseful and willing to move forward with the process.
Your pain right now is overwhelming and I remember just barely being able to get through the day. First of all this is a LONG journey but you can get through it. You will be in denial and you will become angry and you will grieve for the marriage you no longer have because your husband let someone else enter that which was only shared by the two of you. You will make progress then you will go back wards but its all in the process and all normal.
Your hubby lost the right to call the shots the moment he crossed that line into the affair. He must become totally transparent to you…that means he must let you know where he is,,,give up all passwords to any social networks, cell phone records…etc. He must let you know that he knows and feels the immense pain he has caused you. He must be remorseful and sorry.
He must be willing to put in the hard work and time necesary to heal from this nightmare and it takes anywhere from years not 2 weeks. Seek counseling if you can afford it and read as much as you can on the subject. Remember you are not crazy and everything you feel now and are about to feel…its all normal. You have many decisions to make in the days ahead. I encourage you to put yourself first and know that you can get through it. Many come out on the other side of this a better couple. SadbutTrue — when I saw your post, I scrolled back to the beginning of this topic , and there was my post — when I was only 3 months post d-day!
I am here to tell you something I never believed when others here told me…you will survive this! It is not what you had planned for your life, but you are here now, so the challenge is to move forward. Like Broken2, I have been married a very long time — 30 years, together almost Just a few days ago we had another intense conversation with lots of tears and emotion. Yes, I asked the same questions of him I did a year ago, I repeated the same concerns, etc. I wish you well, take it one day at a time, give yourself permission to grieve what you thought your relationship was!
I sometimes wonder who was that person??? Anyways sadbutrue…. He does it for the sole purpose of helping me.
Today he cringes whenthe subject comes up and tries to avoid it but in the end is is always a good thing when we talk. You must talk about it because your life while the affair was occuring now seems like a joke. You have to be able in your mind to put back the pieces of your life and only your husband has those anawers. He needs to see the incredible pain he has caused you which comes out in those difficult conversations.
It is raw right now and extremely rough. Of course he wont want to talk about the affair because who likes to be reminded of their failure over and over again. Most cheaters like to put the affair in the past and we the BS cant do that for a long time. SOmetimes you have to back off a little and try and keep the conversations short and consise. AGree on a time limited for discussion and no yelling and screaming. As you continue to read you will see that many on this forum will tell you they dont have a reason why the affair happened….
Many will tell you they saw no signs, thier marriages were great yet this occured. She was just there at the right time.. Make no mistake….. Well, this was a great post and I printed it out as a reminder. One of the forays they had took place while we were out of town on vacation; she needed to get away from the hotel for awhile in a town none of us has ever ventured to, no less , only to return hours later claiming that she was lost but carrying a phone with GPS on it when she was really getting it on with the OM in other hotel across town. And what was my thanks?
Marrying someone who only regarded me as a financial safety net for her and the child she had with some ex boyfriend who dumped her months before. No man ever wants to be considered by their spouse as the third or fourth best person in the sack. And as for trust, forget about it. I cannot trust anyone who screws me over in that matter. Everytime the phone rings or her cell buzzes with a message, I have flashbacks of their affairs and I have a difficult time focusing on anything else.
DeJay — Does your W still have contact with the OM, has she committed to doing everything necessary to save your marriage? These stages are well and good but I would like to add one more. The Apathy Stage. Long story short, I found out back in June that my soon to be ex husband was still on contact with his tramp. I threw him out but he begged and cried and I relented to go back to him. I knew in my heart it was just the last straw. I was just too emotional to move on at that time. Fast forward a couple of months. I began to feel the unhappiness I had put out of my mind. Then one day I woke up and was in the Apathy Zone.
Just like that. What he said or did had no real meaning to me one way or the other. We went to the pool that day. He went off for a while, I realized since his Whore Phone was in the car, I had noworries, lol. I looked up, saw a slightly overweight, balding, middle aged man headed my way. Oh, thats Prince Charming himself, the star of our own special little love triangle. I also ssw his girlfriend for exactly what she is.
Lets not forget me. A slightly overweight, fifty something year oldwoman, looking kind of sad and lonely. What a pitiful sight we all were in my mind. Thats what adultery is, just a sad situation any way you look at it. I am only a little over two months since finding out about the affair. My husband had an affair with one of my coworkers who was a good friend, so this process has been especially hard since I see them both constantly. He has been extremely forthcoming and remorseful which has been helpful to a point, but she has been the complete opposite: denying it ever happened and thus making it impossible for me to see her side of it or forgive her.
I was completely oblivious to the affair and thought we had a happy marriage so this whole thing has been very difficult for me. We had a very nice weekend doing a lot of fun things but my brain will not let me forget what happened between them. Two months after D-day is no time at all. The bad news is that unless you are unlike any others who I have seen post on this blog, you will continue to feel the way that you do for quite a bit more time.
Forget about the OW and how she has reacted to what has happened. Consider yourself very, very fortunate that your H has been forthcoming and remorseful and has not denied having ever done anything wrong. Hopefully, your marriage counselor can help each of you repair the damage that has been caused to your relationship and move forward with a relationship that is even better than it was before, the affair notwithstanding.
Now, as to having to continue to work at the same company as the OW, that seems like a tough one for me. My advice, however, is to not give in too quickly to all the bad feelings you have when you see the OW, which feelings I imagine you will be feeling for some time going forward. Julie, I agree with Mark, two months is not a very long time and it is healthy to feel all the emotions you are feeling right now. It is also normal to feel bad with you are having a enjoyable time with your husband. Unfortunately what you are feeling is fear. You know that you have experienced these good times in the past and it is hard to comprehend how your husband could cheat and if these experiences mean anything to him.
To be honest you will feel this way for a long time. The issue is your husband will have a difficult time with these episodes. He will not understand how your moods can change so quickly when you are doing so well. Again it is all about security and fear. When things are good and you are having fun you let your guard down, then you remember everything and all the pain both physical and emotional come shooting back. I will tell you it does get better and when trust begins to be restored. You also need to train your brain to try to put it out of your mind.
It became a habit for me, when we were hiking, out to dinner, etc. I would picture the two of them together and imagine what they had done together. In my mind it became the three of us on these outings rather than a wonderful time just with my husband. It was awful and it kept their relationship alive and gave their affair too much power. If possible try to focus on the present when you are with your husband and save a certain time each day or week to allow your mind to wonder. It is also important to do the same when you feel the need to discuss the affair.
However you are still right in the middle of discovery and trying to control your feelings is almost impossible, you need to do what feels right to you. Thank you Mark and Linda for responding. I realize it will take a lot more time. What a tangled web…. I find this site to extremely helpful. I am only about 3 months post DDay. My dilemma is slightly different in that my wife is still having the affair.
I know that there is not much I can do to stop it. I want to work on my marriage and yet my wife wants to run off with this other person. The sad thing is that they both are of different faiths, married and have children. They do not see the destruction that they are doing. I would say that I am in the anger state and am having difficulties expressing other than in word. We are only a week into a separation and truly am concerned that my marriage is over. I know that I will have to accept that when the time presents itself. I just need to have patience and hope for the best outcome.
I will say this, trust in yourself, this was not your fault, your wife chose to stray, so it was her problem. Trust in yourself that you will no when you no longer can fight, you will know. I know you are in a lot of pain, confused and trying to make sense of it all right now, but know that in here you are amongst people who know your pain and can support you through this days you need it most. Remember, no matter how this works out for you and your wife, whether you remain together or not, you can know without a doubt you held your head up high and did your best ti keep your marriage together, you can hold your head up high because you remained honorable and faithful in your marriage.
Only the weak partner at the time is vulnerable enough to walk away from their problems and degrading themselves into starting a relationship with someone else while they are still married. Thank you for sharing. Reading your post made me not feel alone. I blamed myself. My husband was a serial cheater. And, I wanted to forgive him. After getting more questions answered, I realized that even if I had accepted and taken actions to improve the marriage at the right time… he has personal issues that may have lead to this path anyway.
There is still a deep desire inside of me that he will come begging for forgiveness and feel strong remorse, but he is yet to do that. He did agree to try to work through it with me in counseling, but I was very distraught by the fact that he seemed to be able to go to work, the gym and carry on without showing real remorse. He apologizes and said he wanted to be with me, but never showed real remorse.
Grief After Traumatic Loss
I feel like I was chasing him, when it should have been the other way around. My reaction is foreign to me, and completely different than I was sure it would be, if this ever happened to me. My desire for him and lack of anger, makes me feel both pathetic and moral. And I dont mean the person he was or might be, I mean the person he IS right this very second. He knows you are on the ruin right now, and like virtually all cheaters he is using it to his advantage.
Susan, I have to agree with his field, he is acting like all cheaters do. A selfish ass. Now do you think your husband is going through a midlife crisis? They seem to lose the plot pretty quickly once they start questioning their life and what they have done, blah blah blah. May I also ask how long it has been since his affair started and came out? He seems to be still in the so called fog. I remember being the one that was initiating everything for months when his ea came to light, it was pretty draining, he did eventually though, more and more.
All the best Susan, I do hope it works out for you. We all seem to have the same experience. Cheating spouse, OW, mid life age bracket for the mst part. What a crock. He finally got it. He understood what he has done. The trust issues will now be huge for me. Need help getting past that. Or else I will sabotage our progress with my insecurities. I see a therapist who is great but I fear my own actions will cause more issues. Need help on this. Your comments have made this situation feel less isolating, and less like I am failing at my recovery. My husband of 12 years, and partner for 20, had an EA last year.
It lasted for a short time, at its peak he phoned her 90 times in a month and a half. I discovered it on my own. March 14th marks the one year anniversary of the affair.
Grief After Traumatic Loss - What's Your Grief
Since Dday I have been a wreck. I lost 50 pounds in just over 5 months. He wants to stay together and has been trying desperately to re-earn my trust. I acknowledge his efforts and know that I am very lucky in this respect. The decision to remain with him is my own, not his. Children certainly change the equation. I am writing because it has been nearly a year since I discovered the affair, and I am no closer to healing than I was at day 1! Everything since that moment has been all about the affair.
I know some of you have mentioned that a year is well within the time limits of recovery, but so many articles,etc. I want to recover. Any tips to offer would be welcome — especially as I head into the one year anniversary. I know the next few months are going to be especially bad. It does not take just a matter of weeks or months. I am just over two years since dday, and I am still recovering, just like many others here.
All i can offer you in advice, is hold onto each improvement you see, these improvements will bring you closer to recovery. It takes time to get to a place where the ea no longer affects you, no longer haunts you, but each day is a step closer to peace. Do make see you look after yourself, you need to make sure you keep strong. You will notice that you may go through some step backs, and these step backs will get less often. Just take a step at a time, and eventually you will see just how far you have come.
The only thing she thinks of is herself. When you catch your mind wondering in her direction, stop yourself and think of your children, think of how much you love them. I know it is going to be hard, boy do I know. Yet you have to see that the more you give her power in your mind, you will go crazy.
Come in here and you will see that, you will get loads of support and advice. Hang in there. Thank you so much! It helps to get it all out here. Not many people in my life are aware of the situation. They see me getting thinner, see my husband coming in for lunch every day, and then tell me how wonderful a man he is for doing so!
I especially like the advice to not think about the OW and to refocus my thoughts to the twins. I totally need to do that. Thank you for helping me as I enter these next few months. Your welcome Dawnb, what I would like to stress is, you are not giving yourself enough credit. You are going through a great stress, yet you have to know, you have been there for your children, you have been fighting for your family all this time.
While she has been chasing after your h, you have been all along standing up for your children, your family, protecting them all along. They are what keep you going. It is hard, when you think that you gave failed them in some way, but you are doing your best in the situation still hand. You should be proud of yourself. Can I just say too dawn, when I found this site, I was already at my wits end.
The people here have helped so much, so has all the information on the site itself. They say knowledge is power, I believe that, you will soon have the information here that will help you so much, move forward easier. Of course you will have triggers, but eventually they will be less. Dawnb, Take baby steps. You are going thru a very difficult situation in your life. Perhaps a different therapist?? If your husband is willing to work on your marriage and you are too, give it your best shot. Divorce is very painful and permanent. He gave me up.
Now he is sorry and it is too late. Be patient with yourself and good luck. Again, many thanks Strengthrequired and Rachel! So, I have an additional question. Do you ever feel guilty for feeling this pain? What I mean is, I find myself constantly minimizing. It could have been so much worse …. Dawn, sorry I have only just read your reply. I feel guilty about so many things. So much more, yet after what I know about how little he regarded me and our marriage, he should be the one feeling guilty and remorseful. He should be the one that focuses on my feelings, instead of his own.
About a month ago now I found out about my h ea, turning pa. So that information, even though I felt it, set me back a bit with my recovery, and if anything just made me even more angry, angry and myself and him. Hope all is going well with you. I have come to the conclusion this past week that men and women that engage in an affair are rapists. I feel raped by my husband and the white trash, who is now married and was carrying around with my husband while dating the guy she married.
I am stuck in anger!!!!! I hate the idea of going back into therapy again for his bad choice. Any suggestions. Michele, can i suggest keeping yourself really busy. I Hate how my h did this to our marriage, I hate how he could stoop so low and hurt me as well as his children like he did and for so long. I see at times the man I married, then I think about everything, he gives me way too much time on my own to stew over everything. And next thing I struggle to see the man I married, I see a stranger.
All I want to say, is try not to give yourself to much time to think about it, because it makes that anger stick around. Thanks so much for posting this. I am three weeks post DDay and I have never felt so alone. I have asked my H the same questions over and over again, and the anger is just driving me totally insane.
I never thought I would be in this situation. We have been together 10 years, and married 7. His affair lasted about 4 months, but it feels like a lifetime. He obviously wants to stay in this marriage and keeps telling me to look at this wonderful future that we have and blah, blah, blah! I am out of here! I have never loved a man the way I love him and the heart keeps telling me to stay and work it out.
He is my best friend. We do everything together. Hopefully, counseling will help, but I have already started making moves. I have a long time friend who has always wanted to be with me, coming to visit in a few weeks. This is killing me. I am so glad that I found this website.
He was a man of integrity and morals, but became depressed and in the midst of a midlife crisis, and in the arms of a ow. Normally the person he would never have hooked up with, but due to the state of his mind, he did.. I am proud that I was able to keep my dignity and morals in tact, where he has to deal with those demons on his own, and knowing that he hurt the person he cared for most in the world, and also it lost his family and all we have worked for too, for this ow.
You will be too. Now if you want your marriage to have a chance at working, you need to steer clear of being tempted into gong down the affair path yourself. It seems to have been some time since the last comment, I may be reaching out to nothing. Not that it makes it any worse, but he had been the assistant pastor at our church. My faith and identity was destroyed. People in the church warned him that I could not be tied down, and he should be careful to marry a woman like me. Obviously, I have trust issues. Does his congregation know about the affair? Are you still together?
My best friend, lover, companion of 15 years married 10 of them whom I had placed so high on a pedestal, bragging about him to my family and friends as to his character and integrity… Informed me in April, after I had repeatedly questioned and offered total amnesty in exchange for honesty, that he had slept with his coworker numerous times. Their afraid lasted years. At the same time he was texting with two other women and having what I have learned are called emotional affairs with them to stroke his fragile ego. This from the man who was going to break things off and not marry me because he thought God was telling him not to because I was married before.
This from the gentle sweet soul who kissed me every morning before he left and told me he loved me. This from the man who swore to me there was nothing more after I forgave him his kiss with the other nasty, trashy woman. Now I am broken. His family has distanced themselves from me as if it were my fault they only know part of the story. My family thinks I am crazy for staying with him. None of that helps. No big bright lights and angels singing, I just knew.
And it is hard. And it sucks some times. And it is absolutely wonderful sometimes when I can see him actively trying and showing remorse. I just struggle with so many questions!! It was all so secretive and well thought out. So intentional. Can you be trusted to give it to me now? I feel like I am crazy after reading this. I just needed to let it out somewhere safe. The way he fed his ego. His total disregard for me and our marriage. And the fact that I was duped. That I knew something was wrong. That when I smelled smoke on my husband or her on him, that the excuses he gave were lame and I knew it but let myself trust.
As I said, mine was three years ago, we were married 29 years at the time. To make it even worse, he has claimed he has erectile dysfunction for years, so it was very hurtful that I played the dutiful, patient wife while he was involved with another woman. Like you, we are still together. I wish I could regain the trust and feelings I had before all this. I do believe he is done with all of his affairs and other activities.
I truly do. Not blindly believing him as I did before. I first learned of his closeness with the one he ended up in bed with after he admitted to me that they had gotten too close and she kissed him one day in She came back after him via text, then things escalated until they slept together in early I learned all the details of the two emotional affairs and the sexual one late April this year.
In July I discovered his porn activities and August a secret bank account his parents set up for him so he could move out. Its fairly fresh, but recently has. I feel like my weaknesses right now, not the actual affairs, could be then demise of a beautiful friendship and potential new beginning of a stronger marriage. And in regard to the ED thing? My husband was having problems with that too. While he was sleeping with her and until everthing was out in the open.
For some reason that is refreshing to me. Sadly I have two D-Days. The first was Oct 20th, when my H had a one night stand with an old girlfriend he had run into. It took three years to heal and I made most of the effort. I felt all that everyone has described here and went through it alone because he refused counseling.
I finally got to a place where I felt safe and we have had a great marriage since then. I thought everything was going great. Then D-Day two occurs last Saturday 4 days ago. I had not known anything until that day because he was acting different.